Dr. Kathryn L. Jones, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at our Virginia Treatment Center for Children offers her professional perspective on raising resilient children.
Some kids seem like they’re born ready to tackle what the world has in store for them, while others need a bit more encouragement. No matter where your child falls on this continuum, there are ways you can help them build confidence and a strong sense of self-worth, which will serve them well as they face the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead in life.
6 quick questions about kids and confidence with a child and adolescent psychiatrist
Why is confidence important for kids?
Confidence empowers kids to make choices, advocate for themselves and feel safe to get their needs met from others. It underlies effective interpersonal communication, which involves being able to ask for what you need and want, and to say no when you’re asked for things you cannot or will not do.
Is it possible for a child to be too confident?
When confidence isn’t grounded in reality, in what is actually doable or appropriate for a child's age and stage of development, it’s possible for them to bite off more than they can chew. Much like some adults, children don’t know what they don’t know and may make a poor decision based on incomplete information, or on the belief that they understand something more clearly than they do. This is why it's so important for kids to have trusted adults (ideally parents) to confide in and with whom to practice communication skills rather than going into the world with only their own insight and judgement.
What are the biggest factors that influence kids’ confidence levels?
The biggest influences on a kid's confidence are their parents and how they respond to 1) the child’s attempts at autonomy (doing things themselves) and 2) mistakes made along the way. When parents let kids try to figure out solutions to their problems and trust them to work through it (providing help only if needed) it can boost a child's confidence in their ability to be independent.
Furthermore, when parents provide comfort, understanding and education when mistakes are made, instead of judgement and punishment, it allows a kid to feel safe to make mistakes and learn to tolerate when things go wrong. Being able to accept that sometimes you won’t be perfect or that failure happens is a key life lesson that builds resilience and confidence to keep trying.
What are some ways in daily life that parents can help build confidence in their children?
Let kids make small decisions and build up to larger ones. Encourage them to make choices and talk through possible consequences. This provides teachable moments where you’re helping them think critically about themselves and their impact on the larger world. Be curious about what kids are thinking and feeling, and listen to what they have to say.
How can parents model confidence even if they’re not quite feeling it?
It's okay if parents aren't feeling confident, and to be honest about that with your kids. Modeling the ability to accept uncertainty is a great lesson to teach kids. It reinforces the idea that it's okay not to know and sometimes you make mistakes…and that's okay too.
How can adults help kids handle setbacks so they don’t lose confidence?
Remind them that this happens to everyone, and it doesn’t make them bad, or stupid, or any of the other negative words kids may tell themselves when something goes poorly. Setbacks and mistakes are how we learn. A hug and a treat would be welcome comfort and encouragement to try again.